Anxiety. It’s pretty scary. For me, it starts with an irrational thought. It’s usually a sharp, intense feeling that’s negative and depressing in nature. Something along the lines of worthlessness or a sense of not belonging comes to mind. And then the fear creeps in… but only for a little bit unless I give it permission to stay. Like a separate entity, he lingers there as if he’s waiting for me to react. If I listen close enough, I can almost hear him whisper, oh so gently, “You’re going insane.” Ah, and there it is.
Insanity. My. True. Fear.
Insanity is my trigger, setting off a bunch of alarms and I go into a full blown frenzy or what some people like to call anxiety attacks or panic anxiety.
So, let’s back it up a little bit. Now that you know what it is I’m afraid of, I’ll start from the beginning. How the Hell did I get here? I believe it starts back 2004 when I tried Salvia Divinorum. The effects were astounding, but I found out later that I experienced what drug users call ‘a bad trip’. It was the first time I felt real fear. I came to understand that I’m grounded in reality and any deviation from that mindset places me in a downward spiral towards insanity, or in other words, my perceived insanity… thus my trigger. It’s been a struggle ever since, but trust me, it gets better.
Stay tuned for next Monday as I dive more and more into my crazed life, my anxiety journey.
I’ll depart with a well known slogan, “This too shall pass.”