Last week I talked little bit about the origin of my anxiety and one of my major panic attack triggers, insanity. Today I’m going to discuss how my anxiety and depression operate and play off each other like some fine-tuned instrument purposely destroying what I like to call my Reality World. Fear feeds on an impeding doom, usually something irrational, due to a variety of factors. For me (and for most people I find) fear’s core centers around the unknown… uncertainty. Racing negative thoughts begin to surface in a form of a question such as:
“Am I good enough?”
“What if I die?”
“What is this person thinking? Do they think I’m a fool, an idiot?”
“Why is this happening? I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen.”
“How am I possibly going to get through this?”
For me, these negative thoughts are anxious thoughts that pop in and out of my mind throughout the day. I can usually deflect these fears and keep them within a frame of rational thinking. “Oh that’s just me being negative.” Or “It doesn’t fucking matter anyway.” But occasionally, an event happens. It’s normally something I may perceive as huge or emotionally overwhelming. When this happens, a depression can hit like a massive tidal wave ready to wreck havoc on my nice calm beach of stability.
Now, my view of depression is almost too abstract for words, but let’s see if I can explain its meaning through descriptive imaginary. I definitely feel like I’m diving into a downward spiral, sinking into a helpless nothingness. I can’t move or think clearly, paralyzed within my emotional crapfest. And though it’s most definitely a state trapped in dreadful thoughts, depression feels very physical as if an invisible force was subjecting its will upon me. When this happens, my fears kick into full throttle. Remember when I said I can usually deflect those fears throughout the day? Well, with depression, it’s a much more difficult task. All I have to do is allow one of those thoughts through, and bam, I suddenly believe in the irrational.
“Maybe I AM helpless.”
Then like an army of red ants, my other fears come a stormin’ through and I have no defense to fend them off.
“I can’t to do this. I’m going crazy. This is it. I’m insane!”
…pure trigger mode and BOOM! Now I’m in this new state of raw panic, cycling between depression and anxiety. At this point, I cannot distinguish between the two. They become my reality.
I wish I could tell you that I have found some cure. If you’re here, and you’re suffering, I know that you need answers. It’s a lonely fearful place and you feel like you can no longer handle it. Maybe you trigger yourself daily, hourly, or just the mere thought of anxiety or depression puts you in a tailspin. Maybe you even consider suicide; hell I have. But If you’re looking for a cure… Stop. That’s not how it works.
For me, it starts with acceptance. That’s where I find my peace. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay if you feel sick. Suicidal thoughts doesn’t make you any less of a person, and more importantly, it doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself. Accept that your body is going through some shit and it’s trying to tell you something. You’ve somehow cornered your body into this dark abyss and it has no other option but to say, “Hey! Pay attention, asshole!” So, with it, be patient and know that you’ll be just fine. Understand that whatever horrible, depressional, and/or anxious state you’re in the feeling will pass. It always does. Why will this time any different? After you accept yourself then have the courage to stand up and look at fear dead in the face. Tell it that it will no longer consume your reality. Or don’t. You can always shove it down deeper and deeper into your gut. I mean, it’s worked out so far for ya, right? 😉
Until next Monday, I’ll leave you with a quote, “Some paths are hard to take, but they may be necessary to get where you need to be. Here’s to straight and long strides ahead, my friend.” – Yours truly.